neck. “Personality transplant. They perform those
on queers-in-need. Where’s Ali?” She explains to
Alex, “Liam’s boyfriend. They’re too sickly sweet for
my liking.”
“You’re just jealous. His friend’s on holiday, so
he’s pet-sitting. They have two dogs and a cat. I
can’t say I’m much of an animal person, so I was
going to do my assignment —”
Liam is cut short when the lights dim and canned
drum rolls announce the appearance of tonight’s
drag act.
“Woohoo!” Chris moves off from clinging onto
Alex to clap her hands, her laughter lighting up her
face once more.
The drag artist who comes on stage is beautiful
and way more femme than Chris. She has a long
blonde wig and colourful stage make-up. True to
her stage name, her padded-out body curves inside
the white leather corset. A black miniskirt, garter
and tights, and a pair of glittery six-inch silver
platform boots complete her outfit.
Glitter. Glitter. Glitter.
She puts her thumb and forefinger in her mouth
and whistles loudly, so the room hushes
immediately.
“Good evening, ladies and ladies!” She has a voice
that betrays a hint of harshness, but Alex thinks
she’d definitely pass for a woman if the make-up
wasn’t quite as stage-dramatic. Liam smiles at
Victoria.
The crowd cheers her on and a few of them
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whistle back. Chris glances at Alex sidelong and
winks. Alex watches the performer with much
curiosity.
“Are you ready for your compère?”
The audience screams ‘yes’, while Victoria further
eggs them on by shouting back.
After more banter, she introduces herself, “I am
your one and only Victoria L-E-A-T-H-E-R.”
She breaks into a perfect rendition of an eighties
hit, her voice strong and sultry. The next twenty
minutes pass in much the same way and, drag or
not, Victoria is a talented performer. She does not
lip-sync like RuPaul’s contestants, and she can hold
a tune better than most pop idols. Her jokes are
funny, too, without being too cheesy or vulgar.
“Now, before I sing my last number, I must say
hello to my dear friend.” Victoria pouts and points
her long finger with the expertly painted nail at
Chris.
Chris mutters under her breath, “Oh, fuck! This is
the last time I’m coming to see the bastard.”
Alex looks between the drag queen and Chris, all
eyes in the crowded room on the latter. Instead of
feeling uncomfortable, Alex has forgotten about the
pressure and enjoys the moment.
“Come on stage, my little Chrissie. I’m not coming
down in my platform shoes to drag you up here.”
She laughs and claps her hands together. The
audience follows her lead and begins to chant,
“Chrissie! Chrissie! Chrissie!” Liam joins in.
“And that’s not my fucking name.” Chris shakes
her head, but she can’t ignore the calling. She kisses
Alex and threads through the throng of people to
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reach the stage. She and Victoria hug and kiss. On
the lips. The crowd cheer even louder. Alex can’t
help but smile at the playfulness. Chris is blushing,
bringing crimson to her pale cheeks.
“Now, boys and girls. Is Chrissie hot or not?”
Victoria announces, her arm around Chris’s
shoulders. The answer is, again, a unanimous ‘yes’.
Victoria nods. “Let me tell you. This is her natural
self.” She presents Chris to the crowd with a
flourish. “It takes me two fucking hours to
transform my ugly mug to look like this, people.”
She points to her face and down her body.
The revellers respond with a collective sigh and
then laugh. Chris’s face is now scarlet.
“My darling, you’ve dragged along a fine
gentleman to see my act tonight. I am absolutely
honoured, so I’m going to dedicate this final song to
you.” She kisses Chris again and then directs her
eyes to Alex and winks; Alex grins even wider.
Before Chris leaves the stage, Victoria leans in
and whispers, though the microphone picks it up,
“Thanks for coming, my old pal. I’ll see you in a
mo.”
Chris smiles, showing her dimples, as Victoria
launches into a rendition of The Kinks’ ‘Lola’ . Chris
makes her way back to a smiling Alex as Victoria
starts to sing about the fluidity between boys and
girls. All eyes are on Chris as she negotiates the
packed room of people to come back to him.
Alex clips Chris’s shoulder, dips his head and
shouts over the music, “Take it you know her?”
Chris laughs. “Obviously! Him. Victor. He’s one of
the very few friends I made when I was an underage
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actor.”
Liam sidles up to them. “You’re a star, Chris. And
you’re a lucky man, Alex.” Heat rises on Chris’s
cheeks again while Liam smirks at her unguarded
embarrassment.
Once the set has ended, Victoria/Victor comes
over to have a drink with them after he reverts to
his cis male self.
~~~
Chris and Alex continue their intimate whispers
in bed that night. “Was it okay at the club? There
were a lot of people.” She caresses Alex’s broad
chest.
“Yeah. It was fun. Victoria’s kinda cool.” Alex
chuckles. He hadn’t known he had a thing for drag
performance before meeting Chris and her band of
queer friends.
“Victor’s only a part-time drag act. His parents
aren’t like my mum. They put him through proper
schooling. He’s a computer programmer.”
“Wow! No, I wouldn’t have guessed it.”
“I know, right? He’s like a geeky drag!” Chris
laughs. “The two friends I was speaking to are
trans.”
Alex comments. “I’m glad you don’t want to cut
off your dick.”
Chris huffs.
“Sorry to be selfish. I’ve…I think about how you
might feel inside me.” Alex wrings his hands,
remembering the few erotic dreams he’s had about
Chris lately.
“What? Really? You’ve not done it with someone
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with a penis, right?” Her chuckles sound like bells.
“No. And I don’t mean I won’t want to hammer
into you.” Alex laughs. “I’m kind of curious.”
“Okay. Alex Whale is bottoming-curious. Very
interesting.” Chris continues to giggle, while Alex
encircles her in his embrace.
He pulls her close, their bodies pressed together
so he can feel her erection, and plants kisses on her
smooth skin that smells sweet and spicy.
“Jerk off for me,” he requests gently.
Chris’s heart races so hard Alex can feel it. She
reaches out
to switch on the small lamp and
retrieves a bottle of lubricant. Alex pulls down her
knickers to reveal her erection. Like the rest of her,
it’s perfectly proportioned and proud. She opens the
top and drizzles the clear gel on her long fingers,
massaging and letting the liquid cool her palms.
Alex absorbs the scene as though it’s a classical
tableau of sexual pleasure painted in muted hues.
Her eyes lift to meet his. Blue and ochre. Alex ruts
against her, his big hand covering her smaller fist as
it rubs and pulls. Chris’s head rests against Alex’s
wide shoulder. She bites her lip and she groans,
sounding incoherent with the sensations. Her
moans become more desperate. Their entwined
hands quicken, and Chris whimpers as she comes.
Her seed spills on Alex’s hand and sprinkles down
his thigh.
Later, Alex gazes at Chris’s soft face, the light pink
in her cheeks as she sleeps, and the long lashes
under her closed eyes. She seems so young then.
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CHAPTER 9
KISS
THE FIRST TIME it happens, Alex’s arm jerks away,
knocking Chris sideways. All dazed and confused
and half-awake from his sleep, Chris lifts himself
back up the best he can.
“Alex?”
He’s turned into a nocturnal keening animal.
“Eeeh…qui…”
“Alex?” Chris pushes Alex’s arm. “Sweetheart,
wake up.”
“Ahh…” His arm flies and hits Chris in the face.
Shit! That’ll cause a bruise or a black eye.
“Alex, wake up!” Chris uses more force and
shakes him.
Alex struggles against an unknown threat, a
source of terror. His eyes open wide, but he’s not
seeing. Then, he bolts up, staring into space. When
he comes to, he’s sweating and breathing hard in a
fit of hyperventilation.
“Alex, it’s a nightmare. It’s okay.” Chris wipes the
sweat from Alex’s forehead.
Alex whispers, “It’s not okay. Not okay.” He hisses
as though he’s been running, and he’s trembling.
Chris hugs him.
“Do you want to talk about it, sweetie?” he asks
softly.
Alex swallows and takes a sip of water from the
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glass Chris keeps by the bed. “Not much to tell. I
have these nightmares. They’re vivid, as if I’m
reliving the accident again and again.” He wipes his
hand over his face, drying the rest of the sweat. “I’m
hit by the full force of the crash. Sam’s bloody and
dying in my arms. I scream and scream until there’s
no more. It’s always the same — an extreme impact
pushing me back to square one. I can’t breathe, as
though my lungs are airless.”
“It must be frightening.”
Alex stares at Chris; the magnitude of horror that
has been haunting him for five years is imprinted on
Alex’s face.
“The thought of a life in terror…reliving the scene.
Tonight… It was your face instead of Sam’s.”
“It’s only a nightmare. I’m here. Safe.”
A single tear tumbles down Alex’s cheek.
~~~
Six in the morning. Alex finds a taped note on the
countertop in the kitchenette— Eat me! —complete
with a smiley face. Chris’s writing looks childlike;
the lines of the letters zigzag across the small piece
of paper. Some days, Alex imagines he has stumbled
into a dream spun by Chris, and he can’t help but
grin at the invitation. The dish contains the pasta
bake Chris knows he likes. He glances at the door to
Chris’s room and pictures him in bed, asleep. With
the beam still on his face, Alex puts the food in the
microwave to warm up, tapping his forefinger on
the worktop to pass the time as he waits. When the
machine pings, he takes the hot plate and a fork to
the table.
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In the corner of the lounge sits an old stereo. In
purple plastic casing, it must have belonged to a kid
once, but one of the ex-inmates has left it. That’s
how Alex has come to think of his accommodation—
a step away from prison, with more colourful
inhabitants.
Since none of them own CDs anymore, they rarely
use the stereo, but Alex turns the radio on low as
background noise to keep him company while he
eats. It’s tuned to an unknown station, playing a
song that sounds vaguely familiar. Alex recognises
the singer’s voice—a hoarse, low growl, as if he
smokes forty cigarettes a day. Haunting but
beautiful.
He sings the story of a late-night encounter in a
café, telling himself not to fall in love with the lonely
woman.
Does falling in love make him blue?
Alex’s hands still. He tries to focus on his very late
supper, but he can’t. The realisation he’s falling for
Chris is elating and absolutely terrifying at the same
time.
Since the accident, the pills and the frequent dark
episodes, his heart had been still until he met Chris.
Alex closes his eyes, swayed by the song, and
imagines the soft curves of Chris’s body. Chris has
made him less blue. Alex takes the food back to the
kitchen and puts it away. He has a quick shower and
brushes his teeth, remembering how Chris warns
Alex tries Chris’s door and finds it unlocked like
always, as though it is Chris’s open invitation, with
the generous promise of intimacy brought by his
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smiles and touches.
Alex can make out the dark shape of Chris in bed,
and the tenderness he feels makes him shudder. He
watches Chris for a few moments. He is breathing
evenly, his mouth slightly open. Alex’s fingers itch
to caress the silky warmth of Chris’s face. Alex
climbs over the other side of the bed and slips in
under the cover as quietly as he can.
Chris shifts a little. “Hmm.”
“Thank you,” Alex whispers, not wanting to wake
Chris, assuming he has gone to bed late. The two of
them are often up all night because of their work or
insomnia. That’s why Alex finds his security job dull
but acceptable. He is usually awake in the middle of
the night anyway; he might as well work through
the small hours.
Chris seems to be able to work or sleep at any
time of the day. He often whispers ‘good night’ to
Alex and falls asleep within seconds like an
overtired child. Alex smiles into the dusk about that.
Alex shifts close to Chris’s body heat, and he can
make out the smooth skin on his back and
shoulders. Alex’s cock has gone hard again. All he
can think about is how he wants to pin Chris down
and fuck him fast.
How do you fuck someone with a penis?
As if Chris can hear Alex’s thoughts, h
e turns to
face him. His eyes are still closed, but he raises his
hand to touch Alex’s stubble.
“Hey, you’re back.”
Alex takes hold of Chris’s smaller hand and kisses
it. Chris smiles and opens his eyes.
Alex’s kisses turn to Chris’s hairline and face. “I
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want you.”
Chris chuckles. “Where’s that come from?”
“My dick. I wish you wouldn’t laugh at me.” But
there’s amusement in Alex’s voice, too, as his lips
trail down to Chris’s knuckle.
“Hmm. Unless you make your intention clear, I’m
not going to fuck you.”
Alex laughs. “You want me to promise I’ll marry
you first? Or take care of you when I knock you up?”
“No, but I don’t want to give myself away too
easily.” Chris pouts. “I’ve already told you.”
Alex can’t stop his giggles. “If you say so.” He
drags his fingertip over Chris’s smooth lips. With
lightness still in his words, he asks, “Do you not kiss
either?”
It’s Chris’s turn to chuckle, but the chuckle soon
morphs into a grimace. “Oh, fuck off. I hate that
stupid film. Of course I kiss—”
Alex’s mouth claims Chris’s, reluctant at first as if
the permission isn’t enough. Their mouths are
tender and light on each other, but soon that
tentative exploration melts away. Alex pushes his
tongue into Chris’s mouth so he can lick Chris’s full
lips—the first thing Alex noticed about him all those
weeks ago when they danced on the stairs. He’s lost
count of the times he’s wondered what they’d taste
like.
Chris smells like nectar and sweet vanilla, and
Alex can’t get enough of him. Chris bites Alex’s lips
while teasing him with his tongue. Alex
reciprocates, their tongues swirling, arousing. Alex’s
hand cups the back of Chris’s head, steadying him
as though they’re in another tango. There’s no
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music, but the air between them is thick with their
heavy, rhythmic breaths.
Time stands still when the imaginary dance ends,
but Alex is not ready to let go. He pulls Chris closer,
and his lips are on Chris’s once again, kissing him
with passion and impatience. Alex’s vision turns
white; his breath catches. All he is aware of is
Chris’s heat, the scent that he’s come to associate
with him.
The ying to his yang. The two become the way.
“I want you so much,” Alex murmurs, betraying