What the devil is eating me?
“What are you doing here? I wasn’t expecting
you before 4 p.m.”
He comes dangerously close to the counter and
I sit up straight on the barstool, taking up my cup
so as not to be forced into the intensity of his
glance.
Is it possible I didn’t notice it before?
“I’m waiting for Rain, I have an appointment.”
“An appointment?” he says, raising an eyebrow.
“With the doctor. It’s my first visit.”
He takes his jacket off, setting it on the stool
beside him, then goes behind the counter looking
around, as if he doesn’t know what to do.
Rain makes her way in accompanied by Liam
and Aaron. Liam squeezes her shoulders and
places a delicate kiss on her nose, while Aaron
pretends to be annoyed and acts like he’s about to
throw up.
My eyes fill up with tears in that same moment.
I’m sure I am more emotional than usual, but
seeing their happiness is like an atomic bomb
going off, reminding me of my precarious position.
I bite my lower lip, hoping to avoid crying like an
idiot in front of everyone, while Rain laughs and
jokes with her man.
Patrick arrives behind me and puts his strong
warm hands on my shoulders, squeezing them
slightly. I shiver at the unexpected contact, but I
need it so much in that moment. I breathe heavily
while his hands slide down my arms, making me
shiver again. He gets to my hands and brushes
them and I close my eyes, tasting this feeling down
to my bones. I feel something that resembles
safety, warmth. Our hands remain close while we
both pretend it’s nothing. I don’t look at them and
neither does he, but I can hear his irregular
breathing behind me and his hot breath on my
neck.
“Ready?” Rain calls me back out of my reverie.
I nod, regretting that I’ll have to move away
from him. Without saying anything or even
looking at him, I go out the door and start walking
down the street as Rain grabs onto my arm.
“Everything okay, honey?”
“I’m just a bit nervous.”
“And … what was happening in there?”
I look at her, confused.
“You and Patrick.”
I open my mouth to reply and then shut it
immediately. The truth is that I don’t know what to
say. Patrick and me? Nothing. Nothing is
happening. He’s worried about his employee, like
he’s already said more than once.
End of story.
I don’t respond and Rain doesn’t ask. She’s like
that. She’ll throw out an argument just to see you
go into a panic and then leave everything in
suspense to make you reflect on it and go nuts.
~ ~ ~
“And so, everything’s proceeding along as it
should,” says the doctor. “I’ve prescribed you
some vitamins and the first sonogram. I’d say you
could go about your business as usual: work,
studies, no problems there. Try not to use
excessive force in doing anything and not to wear
yourself out and you’ll see, you’ll make it to the
end without any troubles. And now, shall we listen
to the heartbeat?”
“The heartbeat?” I ask while Rain squeezes my
hand tightly.
“I’d say you’re about eight weeks gone by now,
so we should be able to hear it,” he says and in
confusion, I allow him to put some cold gel on my
abdomen and continue with the exam.
“Here, do you hear it?”
Rain explodes into emotional tears while I try to
concentrate on the image on the monitor that the
doctor continues to indicate and to focus on the
sound that can now be heard distinctly in this
small room.
I hear it.
And how, I hear it.
I can hear it all over my body.
My child’s heart.
A life that is growing and intertwining with
mine.
Patrick
“Is there anything you want to tell me?” Aaron
asks me suddenly, as soon as Rain and Erin walk
out.
Liam takes his ear in his fingers and stretches it,
very eager to listen in.
I shrug my shoulders and get to work, or at least
I try. I attempt to add up the numbers to see how
many bottles I need to fill the fridge, what’s
missing, what needs to be substituted and so on, as
Aaron draws nearer the counter, sitting on the
opposite side and resting his elbows on the wood.
I huff and decide to face him, because by now I
know him well enough to realize he’s not gonna let
this go.
“What is your problem?” I say.
A tense smile. “I don’t have any problem for the
moment, but I will if you continue with this story.”
“What story?” I ask him, crossing my arms over
my chest and raising one eyebrow.
Liam joins us and sits next to him, clearing his
throat.
“You know she’s our employee and what’s
more, she’s Rain’s friend. We can’t afford to lose
her.”
“What the fuck?”
“Come on Patrick, you’re a bit old to act so
childish and pretend like this doesn’t affect you.
We know very well what you’re doing.”
“I’m not doing anything, so knock it off. And
even if I was, it’s none of your business.”
“I knew it!” Aaron exclaims, raising his voice
and punching the counter.
Liam puts a hand on his shoulder, inviting him
to stay calm because he’s already learned that the
tough guy routine doesn’t get him anywhere with
me except perhaps producing the opposite of the
desired effect.
“Let’s speak about this clearly,” Aaron starts.
“We don’t care about the kind of life you live. We
don’t even care when you go home with
customers, even if we’ve lost a few because of you
lately, but okay. I understand, it’s your way of
facing life, and if I don’t share your vision, that’s
fine. We’re friends and also business partners. I
support you even when I don’t approve of certain
choices you make, but this is a different situation.”
“Listen,” I interrupt him, placing both hands on
the counter and leaning toward him threateningly.
“I don’t stick my nose in your business, unless you
need a kick in the ass to see reality as it really is
right in front of you,” I say, looking right at Liam,
who was indeed in need of my advice before
understanding that Rain was the right woman for
him. “So, I will not accept that you do it to me,
always assuming that there is something to stick
your nose into anyway.”
“I’m only going to tell you this one time, okay?
And understand I don’t like doing this at all, but if
you try it on with her, I swear I’
ll kick you out.
You’ll be out of the house and this job in the pub.”
“You can’t do that,” I challenge him.
“Of course I can. Might I remind you that Rain
and I are the major shareholders in this business?”
“Are you threatening me?”
“If that’s how you want to see it, then yes, take
it like a threat.”
“What’s all the fuss about, Aaron? She’s just a
girl. A girl like a lot of other girls. What’s all the
interest?” I conclude while my nails scratch the
mirror I’m trying to grab on to.
A girl like any other.
Not at all.
Aaron gets up off the stool, knocking it
backwards so it screeches across the floor. He also
leans toward me in a threatening manner.
“We both know that’s a bunch of bullshit.”
“Maybe among all of us, you’re the one whose
got some ideas…” I say, with a new sensation
starting out in my stomach, a feeling as if someone
is setting me on fire.
“Same old asshole!”
“What the hell is wrong with you, man? You’ve
never judged my life before or my choices. Why
now? What’s changed?”
“It’s because we’ve all grown up a bit too much
to be able to accept this kind of behavior. She’s
also a friend and a good worker. She’s young,
Jesus, she’s only twenty-two and you are a man,
maybe … She’s going through a difficult moment,
she just got dumped by her boyfriend and she
doesn’t have anyplace to go. It’s a shitty situation
and you’re trying to make it worse. I’m not asking
you, I’m telling you to watch yourself, and leave
her alone.”
We lock gazes for a few seconds and from the
corner of my eye I can see Liam watching us,
ready to intervene if push should come to shove.
But we’re talking about Aaron and I couldn’t hit
him even if he does initiate a fight.
So I turn and go, to take my time and cool off. I
go out the back door and rub my face a few times
with my hands in an attempt to clear my thoughts.
Is that really what I’m doing? Am I trying it on
with her?
Just her?
Come on, I know I’m a jerk, but not a jerk like
that! Not a hopeless one! I know enough to
understand when I should step forward and do
something and when I should leave things alone,
and this is definitely the second case.
Like Aaron said, she’s a friend in need of help,
trouble is he has no idea how much help she needs.
I’m giving her a hand, a shoulder to cry on,
whatever the fuck you want to call it. That’s it.
There’s nothing else.
There won’t be anything else.
There shouldn’t be anything else.
7
Erin
I go back to the pub feeling in a bit of a lighter
mood than when I left but with an anxiety that
threatens my stomach, which is already protesting.
I’m calmer after the doctor’s exam, even if the
uncertainty about the future will not allow me to
fully enjoy the fact that the baby is healthy and
things are going well. I work a few hours before
taking a little break and I decide to go study for my
upcoming exam. Time is running out and with my
chronic tiredness that never leaves me alone, I
have to use every waking moment and let’s just
face facts: studying keeps my mind occupied.
I sit at a table next to the window. The pub is
pretty empty tonight and the music isn’t too loud
so I am able to completely concentrate on the
pages.
Okay, that’s a lie.
The place is empty and quiet, I have the book in
front of me and I do need to study, but there’s
something else that’s captured my attention.
He’s moving around to the tables and he seems
agitated. He’s not looking customers in the face
and he’s barked at Aaron more than once when
he’s been asked to do something. He takes away
the glasses, takes them into the back, and then goes
back to the bar to prepare some more drinks. He
sighs. Continuously. I didn’t think it was possible
for a person to sigh so many times in one minute.
G e e z , I h o p e h e ’s n o t g o i n g t o s t a r t
hyperventilating.
He’s wearing a tight-fitting dark top that
adheres mercilessly to his muscles, and his
pectorals.
Well, there it goes again, my crazy hormones!
I am able to see at least two tattoos just on his
arms; I don’t dare imagine what other ones there
might be on his body.
Oh hormones, you can stop now!
I also happen to know about his tongue
piercing, sure, the whole world knows about it and
all he does is keep biting it between his teeth as
sort of a mating call to women, in this case. He
also has something like a nail in his right earlobe
and if you see it up close, it really leaves an
impression. And yet he has his charm.
Sexy and damned.
Old story.
He seems just like one of those bad boys off the
pages of a Harlequin romance, one of those
bastards through and through that drives the poor
stupid woman of the hour crazy before changing
his ways and swearing eternal love and giving her
I rest just a second too long on that very unusual
image for me, and yet, it’s magnetic and sensual,
the kind where you can’t sleep at night, and I have
to confess, I haven’t been sleeping very well the
last few nights.
Hormones. That’s it.
I’m usually attracted to different kinds of guys.
Those who dress in a sophisticated way, who are
polite and cultured. The kind that don’t say fuck or
shit as every other word. Guys like Nate for
example. But Patrick is … wow. You surely could
lose a bit of sleep over him.
As I allow myself to drift away in my thoughts
which are anything but innocent, he looks at me
for a second and catches me staring right at him
with that expression of someone who is about to
jump you and tear off all those fucking
unnecessary clothes you’ve got on.
Oh God. Now I’ve become vulgar too.
Hormones, leave this body.
I break eye contact immediately and pretend to
be reading my book, but I can feel his eyes
inspecting me down to the bone.
Red with embarrassment, and my face feeling
hot, I turn outward, trying to distract myself with
what’s going on in the street. However, not much
is going on in Howth, we’re talking about a fishing
village where the highlight of the year is the fried
shrimp festival, but at least there are people
walking quickly in the rain and watching them is
calming for my nerves.
Passing a lot of time with Rain, I
’ve learned not
to consider the rain as something so negative; I’d
almost say I like it. I get lost counting the
raindrops hitting the window and I find myself
sighing, as if in a dream, imagining a different me,
a few months from now, intent on coming up with
names and colors to buy new little outfits in.
Happiness was just outside my window…
Someone turns up the volume on the stereo just
when the words seem to delicately caress my life.
But happiness—a little more like knocking …
On your door, and you just let it in. 1
My hands fall unconsciously onto my abdomen
and I find myself hugging someone who is
growing and living inside of me.
And I think sometimes, something that can
make you happy, could turn out to be the last thing
you ever would have expected.
1 Happiness, The Fray, The Fray
Patrick
What a bad fucking night. I huff and curse and
growl and fight with my eyes. I can’t stand
anyone, I don’t want to see or hear anyone or
anything for a hundred kilometres around because
tonight, I’m telling you, I could really do
something to end up behind bars.
Tonight, I’m biting. And only to kill.
I have this strange tension going on, this mixed
anxiety, half psychotic and half compulsive, that I
could commit a crime.
It was Aaron’s words together with these new
feelings that I didn’t ask to have and that I didn’t
want, but by now they’re here and there’s nothing I
can do to ignore them.
Just like the voice of that stupid little devil that
sits on your shoulder suggesting what you should
do, what things to try and that you shouldn’t listen
to anyone else but him, even if he knows he’s not
in the right and that listening to him would mean
the end, for me and for all those around him.
I’ve made a decision: I have to stop looking for
her when she’s in the pub. I have to stop knocking
on her door to see if she’s all right. I have to stop
watching her, from a distance and in silence, with
the fear that someone else might be able to read
what’s been impressed into my black heart.
I didn’t make this decision because of what
Aaron said. I don’t take orders from anyone. I’m
the one who decided. It’s better for everyone,
before the situation gets out of control.
As I head back to my place behind the counter, I
can sense I’m being watched. I feel naked.