“Quiz time!” Miss Applebaum puffed, as she came into the room. “Quiz
time!”
She seemed very jolly, except for her breathing problem, and she passed us eachasheetofpaper.FromwhatIcouldsee,Henrygottheoriginalexamsheet
fromthetypewriter,andIhadacarboncopy.
“Nofairpeeking,”MissApplebaumsaid.
She made a place for me to sit on an upholstered stool near the model of a flowerblossomandtoldHenryhecouldstayonthesofa.Thenshehandedout
pencilsandtoldustodoourbest.
“Begin now!”
“Yes,MissApplebaum,”wesaid,justlikewewerebackinherclassroom.
“You’ll have fifteen minutes, so you can really think about each question,”
shesaidgenerously.
Istaredatthewordsonmypaper.
It was one of the most challenging, succinct examinations Henry and I had ever been given, even by Miss Applebaum’s standards. Henry says I shouldn’t write the answers here, because someone might want to take the test, so he’s puttingtheanswersinhisnextchapter.Besides,Idon’twanttowriteaboutwhat happenedwhenDr.Obitcheckarrived.Itwassoterrifying!
11
ZeldaandIweren’tevenhalfwaythroughthequizwhenDr.Obitcheck
arrived. Miss Applebaum answered the door wearing the same blue
terryclothbathrobeshehadwornthefirstdaywhenwevisitedher,andshewas
puffingaboutthesame.Sheletthedoctorin.
“YouknowHenryandZelda,”MissApplebaumsaid.
“Yes,”Dr.Obitcheckgrunted,clutchinghisJacktheRippersatchel.Hewas
dressedinanotherwrinkledpin-stripedsuit,andhiseyeswereasweirdasever.
Maybe it was just the way the late afternoon sun bounced off the plants and antiquelabequipment,buthisrighteyelookedlikeitwasstaringattheceiling andhislefteyeappearedfocusedonthefloor.
“Hello,”wesaid.
“I’mjustgiving myyoungfriends aquiz,”Miss Applebaumexplained.“Do
thebestyoucan.”Shewavedatus,andthendisappearedwithhimdownthehall
to her bedroom. Zelda and I squirmed like greased eels because we knew very wellthedoctorwouldbestickingMissApplebaumwiththathumongoushypo.
We also figured that draining the fluids away from Miss Applebaum’s lungs would help her breathe, but I suddenly thought she deserved much better than that. Maybe he wasn’t a good doctor! Maybe she didn’t have to die. Maybe someoneelsecouldhelphermore.IfilledintherestofthequizasquicklyasI could. I began to study the Directory of Participating Physicians and Other ProvidersbookletthatwasintheLeatherettefolder.Uponperusal,itturnedout
to be a directory because it told what all the fancy specialization names for doctors mean right in the front. It had headings like cardiology, dermatology, podiatry, hematology, and at least twenty other specialties. It even listed Dr.
Obitcheck in Weehawken, and he was billed as only a general practitioner. I could tell from the definitions that the kind of doctor Miss Applebaum really neededwouldbean“oncologist,”andIwasrelievedtoseeMissApplebaum’s
health plan included four such doctors in Manhattan. If they were in the book, thenthatwouldmeanthehealthplanwouldpayforthem.TheFreudianOctopus
and the Cockaloony Bird would often discuss scintillating health plans over dinner, so I knew a little about them. There was a complicated explanation on
thefirstpageofthedirectorythatsaidthishealthplanwouldpayforeverything exceptfivedollarsforeachofficevisitandthatitwouldpickupeightypercent ofanyotherbillsbeyondathreehundreddollardeductible.Whatfascinatedme
mostwasthatMissApplebaumhadgivenustheblackboxatall.Imean,Zelda
and I knew she was old because of the way she acted, but every time she did something a little senile or wacky, there was a lot of sense to it. Even Zelda remarked that when Miss Applebaum gave us the box, she was symbolically puttingherselfinourhands.It’saveryscaryfeelingwhenanadultdoesthatto kids. Zelda and I began to feel more and more that Miss Applebaum not only neededourhelp,butthatshewasaskingusforitintheonlywaysheknewhow.
IknowitwasZeldaandIwhochosetovisitMissApplebauminthefirstplace,
but the thought crossed my mind that perhaps we had all chosen each other a very long time ago. Miss Applebaum for her reasons. Zelda and I for our reasons.Afterall,itwasMissApplebaumwholetusearnservicecreditsinthe
labatschool.Shehadhiredus.Shehadtrustedus.Andalltheextraexperiments she taught us how to do were far and above the call of duty. Maybe she had picked us out then. Drafted us, so to speak. Zelda would say that Miss Applebaumcouldhavebondedwithussubconsciously,andthatweweredrawn
to Miss Applebaum for our own subconscious needs. It even crossed my mind thatmaybethefreakyforcedrawingusalltogetherinaverybizarreandweird
way was connected somehow to death. Whatever, Zelda and I had barely
decided what we had to do, when we heard Miss Applebaum laughing in her bedroom. Then, there came the sounds of her and the doctor returning through thehall.WhenMissApplebaumandDr.Obitcheckreachedthefronthallway,I
wasstillholdingtheLeatherettefolder.MissApplebaumstaredrightatmeand
thefolderandtheninquiredwithoutpuffingatall,“Haveyoubothfinishedyour
quiz?”
“Yes,”Zeldasaid.“Itwasveryinteresting.”
“Provocative,”Iadded.
“IhavetogetbacktoJersey,”Dr.Obitchecksaidgrouchily,hiseyesflitting
allovertheplace.
“Oh,pleasejoinusallforsomeyogurt,”MissApplebaumrequested,joyously
collectingourtestpapers.
“Ireallycan’t,”thedoctorsaid.
“But you have to,” Miss Applebaum insisted. “I’m sure my young friends have some matters they’d like to discuss with you,” she added, the shock
practicallysendingmeintoacactus.
“No,wedon’t,”Zeldasaid,hereyesonredalert.
“Ofcourseyoudo.”MissApplebaumsmiled.Shetookthedoctorbythearm
and led him through the living room into the jungle at the L bend. “And I haven’tshownanyofyoumybookcollection,”shebubbled.
“Ionlyhaveaminute,”Dr.Obitchecksaid,disentanglinghimselffromMiss
Applebaum.ZeldaandIstoodupandjoinedthesafari.
“I know it’s hard to see the books, but behind practically every plant is a bookcase.”MissApplebaummotioned,pullinganorangetreeaside.
Indeed,allthewallsherewerelinedwiththethickestbookcasesI’deverseen.
“That’sverynice,”Dr.Obitchecksaidwithatouchofuncalled-forsarcasm.
“They’re special bookcases. I had them built so they can hold books three
deep,” Miss Applebaum said proudly. “Look! Aren’t they wonderful. Aren’t
books extraordinary?” she added, running her fingers over shelves of bindings.
Shehadallsortsandsizesofbookswithtitleslike GreatAmericanScientists,
TheBeautyofPlankton,TheMysteryofMan,CosmicPhenomena,Heavenon
Earth, and The Beauty of Life. There were books by authors such as Lewis Carroll, Colette, H. G. Wells, Margaret Mead, and hundreds o
f other ordinary famous people, too. “Oh, and just look! You pull one book out, and there’s another right behind it. I rotate them like my flowers on the Ferris wheel.
Withoutbrilliantbookslikethese,Icouldneverhavecreatedsuchaquiz,”Miss
Applebaumdeclared.“Infact,withoutthem,Icouldneverhaveevenlived!”
“Ihavetogo.”Dr.Obitcheckharrumphedandturnedtoleave.
“Weneedasecondopinion,”Isuddenlyblurtedoutathim.
“Ibegyourpardon?”
“Miss Applebaum needs a second opinion about her condition,” Zelda
amplified.
“My, this gardenia bush is dry,” Miss Applebaum said, turning her back on thedoctor.Suddenly,sheseemedverybusywithherplantsandpaidnoattention
tous.Itwasasthoughshehadtoshutusoutandpretendwhatwasbeingsaid
was not beingsaid.
“It wouldn’t change anything,” Dr. Obitcheck said, glaring in two new
directionsatonce.
“Well,wethinkitmight,”Isaid.
“Ah, the gloxinias are going to bloom again! Such trumpets!” Miss Applebaumsaidtoarowofpots.
Dr.ObitchecksaidtomeandZelda,“Iwishitwouldhelp,butitwon’t.”
HenowshothiswordsatMissApplebaum.
“MissApplebaum,Idiscussedthiswithyourniece,andweagreed.”
“AslongasI’vegrownficustrees,I’veneverfullyunderstoodpreciselyhow
much water they require.” Miss Applebaum smiled, completely ignoring him.
“They’resotemperamental.”
Dr.ObitcheckstarednowwithoneeyetwitchingbetweenZeldaandmeand
his second eye frozen on Miss Applebaum. Miss Applebaum still paid no
attentiontohimandbegandustingtheleavesofagiantelephantearplant.
Dr. Obitcheck looked intensely insulted, as if we had violently defiled the AmericanMedicalAssociationorsomething.
“You do as you like,” he said very unkindly, and then marched toward the doorwithhiseyeballscompletelyspastic.Inamomenthewasgone,slamming
thedoorbehindhim.
MissApplebaumsatdownandstartedgradingourquiz.
“I’ll bet you did just fine,” Miss Applebaum said, beaming. Actually, we didn’tdoverywell,becausethecorrectanswerswere:1)c2)d3)d4)c5)b6) d7)a8)d9)d10)b.ButIguesstheimportantthingwasthatMissApplebaum
nowseemedvery,veryhappy.Maybeeven hopeful wasthewordforit.Itwas Miss Applebaum who suggested we play Goonie and Elevator Roulette, and
beforeweknewit,itwasdinnertime.ZeldaandItreatedMissApplebaumtoa
pizzawithextracheeseandlargeDietCokesdeliveredfromRay’sOriginal,and
Imustsaytheentireeveningbecamequitealovelyparty.ZeldaandIdidn’tget
homeuntilaftertenP.M.
Monday morning, Zelda and I went to school, but we spent the whole lunch period checking the Directory of Participating Physicians and Other Providers.
Three of the four doctors listed as oncologists had the same address on Fifth Avenue,andwewereverysurprisedandpleasedtoseethatMissApplebaum’s
healthplanletanysubscribergotosuchafancyaddress.Wepickedoneofthe
three, a woman doctor by the name of Harriet Silver, and figured if Miss Applebaumdidn’tlike her,wecouldcheckouttheothertwo.Besides,withall theirofficesonFifthAvenue,thatmeanttheirbuildingfacedCentralPark,and
we knew Miss Applebaum would really like that. The directory even listed the
hospitalsthedoctorswereassociatedwith,andDr.HarrietSilverworkedoutof Parkview Hospital, which also was on Fifth Avenue and was right next to Mt.
SinaiHospital,whicheveryoneknowsisoneofthebesthospitalsintheworld.
We knew sight unseen that Dr. Silver would know a lot more about up-to-the-minutecuresandmedicinethananyonecouldpossiblyknowfromWeehawken,
NewJersey.Aboveall,wethoughtifwegotMissApplebaumtoatopdoctor,
she’d at least have a chance. That’s what we wanted to do, give her the best chance!
By the end of the school day, I had set up an appointment for the next morningateleven,andcalledMissApplebaum.Itoldherwhatwe’ddone.
“Ican’twaittoseeyou,”wasallMissApplebaumsaidonthephone.“Ican’t
wait!”
BynineA.M.,ZeldaandIhadcalledintoschooltomakecertainwewouldn’t
getanycutcards,andthenwemetMissApplebauminfrontofherbuildingat
tenA.M.sharp.Wewantedtotakeheracrosstheparkbycab,butsheinsistedon
walking,andthistime,shehadherbriefcasefilledwithstacksofpeanutbutter
andjellysandwichesandZiplocbagsofVelveetacheesecubes.Shewasdressed
neat as a pin in one of her tweed jobs and gave the first sandwich to Helen’s hand under the newspapers at 72nd Street. Then we gave sandwiches to
homeless persons looked just like plain freaked-out derelicts to me, but Zelda alwaysgetscrankyifIcallthemthat.Anyway,wemadeitovertoFifthAvenue
and walked up past the Metropolitan Museum all the way to 96th Street. Our conversation was mainly about things like ducks migrating and the miraculous effects of mulch on rhododendrons, but Miss Applebaum acted more like we were going on a picnic than anything else. She was so cheerful and optimistic andscintillating.Shereallyseemedtobeourownloving,energetic,andperfect
grandmother,whichiswhatIhadtoldDr.HarrietSilver’sreceptionistshewas
whenIhadmadetheappointment.
Dr. Silver’s office turned out to be on the northeast corner of Fifth Avenue and96thStreet,andherlocationwasevenmorebeautifulthanIhadimagined.
Furthermore, her office was part of a medical arts complex, and the whole complexwasphysicallyconnectedtoParkviewHospitalitself,whichmeantyou
didn’t even have to go outside if it was raining to get from the medical arts complextothehospital.Wedidn’tfindoutallthatuntillater,butthethreeofus wereveryenthusiasticthemomentweenteredDr.Silver’swaitingroom.Itwas
sobrightandairyandhadthebestmagazinesI’veeverseeninanydoctor’sor dentist’semporium.
“We’re here for Miss Applebaum’s eleven o’clock appointment,” I told the cheerfulreceptionist.“Wecalledyesterday.”
“Oh, yes, we’re expecting her,” the receptionist said, giving a big “hello” to allofus.
“Hello,”MissApplebaumsaid.
ZeldaandImumbled“hi,”butwewerebothoverwhelmedandimpressedby
allthebeautifulfurnitureinthewaitingroom.Ithadafantasticblueruglitby focused track lighting, and it was so ritzy and state-of-the-art that we didn’t knowwherewewouldsitfirst.
“You can give me the health plan I.D. card, and fill out this form,” the receptionistsaid,handingusapieceofpaperonaclipboard.“Thedoctorwillbe withyoushortly.”
IgaveovertheI.D.card,whileZeldatookthe“personalinformation”form.
Wefinallydecidedtositonaplushleathersofaandchaircombo,whichwasin
onecornernearthewindow.Zeldafilledinalltheinformationsheknewabout
Miss Applebaum, and Miss Applebaum did all the rest, such as writing her socialsecuritynumberandcheckingalongli
stofboxesconcerningherpersonal
andfamilyhealthhistory.Bythetimewehaddoneallthatandthumbedthrough
thecartoonsina NewYorker magazine,Dr.HarrietSilverherselfcameout.She lookedlikeamature,distinguished,andgrayingMadameCurie,wearingawhite
jacket,andherhairwassweptupinanimpressivelyprofessionalmanner.Then,
aftertheintroductionswereover,Dr.SilvertoldMissApplebaumthatshewas
very lucky to have two such fine and thoughtful grandchildren, but that she’d havetoborrowour“GrandmaAlice”awhileforanexamination.Ihadforgotten
to tell Miss Applebaum about our little grandmother prevarication, but Miss Applebaumunderstoodimmediately.
“They’rethefinestchildrenanygrannycouldhave,”MissApplebaumsaid.
Everything was extraordinarily friendly and perfect, so Zelda and I were feelingfullofhopewhenweletMissApplebaumgowithDr.Silver.Maybeshe
wouldn’t die! The last we saw of the two of them they were heading into an examination room, and Miss Applebaum was chatting about snake plants. We knewwehaddonetherightthingandtherewasnothingforustodobuttowait
andkeepourfingerscrossed.Zeldaevenhummedasshecheckedoutacopyof
Vogue, and I was pleasantly surprised to find an edition of the Global Gazette
undera WallStreetJournal. The Gazette had to have been left by some more earthypatient,becauseitwasincompletecontrasttothehighcaliberoftherest of the reading materials. The headline stories were “WOMAN GIVES BIRTH
WHILE WATERSKIING,” “NUDE PIN-UP GIRL EXPOSED AS A MAN,” and
“SPACEALIENCUREDMYACNE,SAYSHAPPYTEEN.”NotonlydidIhavea
chancetoreadthosearticles,butIalsoperusedotherreportsaboutaplumber’s
headthatgotstuckinatoiletovernight,andtheeasiestwaytoloseone’stummy inaweek.Zeldanotonlyfinished Vogue,shegotthrougha Fortune and three
PsychologyToday s.
A few other patients arrived during the course of all our reading, although theyweren’ttheretoseeHarrietSilver.Asitturnedout,GeorgeKrebandHarry