Mehmet giggled.
This seemed to bewilder the other demons.
“What was that queer sound you uttered?” Azazel asked as he leaned forward and studied me more intently.
Mehmet looked confused as well. After a long silence, he said, “I was merely clearing my throat.”
I squirmed some more and the demon’s giggle turned into a laugh.
His nefarious cohorts gasped.
“Your face has changed!” one of the demons said. “What has happened to your grimace?”
“What is this nonsense?” Mehmet said.
I really laid it on, doing a boogie-woogie in the demon’s palm, my body rubbing against his black palm.
The dark lord jiggled and wiggled and laughed.
“He is making merry!” shouted Azazel.
“I never knew it possible,” another demon said.
“I should like to make merry, too,” yet another creature said. “Hand over that worm!”
But Mehmet’s merriment had overwhelmed him and he ignored their pleas to enjoy me as well.
“Hold out your palm!” a demon said to Azazel. He did and the demon tickled his fiendish friend. Azazel tittered. The demon tickled more furiously and Azazel’s titter turned into a guffaw.
“Do me!” the others shouted, and soon all the demons were tickling each other and laughing like schoolchildren. Eventually they all ended up on the ground, rolling in hysterics.
I made my escape.
Fortunately the demons’ poker table was perched above the animal pen. From my higher vantage point, I was able to spot the jackal. (He really did look like a jackal.) The canine walked in a circle in the northwestern quadrant.
I morphed back to my old self and jumped into the pen.
I removed a sack that I had ensconced in my innards. Inside the sack was the peanut-butter-covered feather. I cornered the animal against the rock wall and waved the feather in front of his snout. He ignored it and stared up at me.
I thought for sure he wouldn’t be able to resist peanut butter!
I tried to shove the feather in its mouth, but the animal refused to unclench its teeth.
By my calculations, I had only another fifteen minutes before the RavenHawk returned.
I knew of only one other way to induce vomiting: vomit yourself.
Without a digestive system, I needed to fake it. I turned to the side and began to heave and gag. The canine looked at me curiously. His stomach seemed to tighten. Was it working? I retched harder. The jackal/coyote seemed to choke, but he did not puke.
I fell to the ground writhing in fake pain, gagging like a sick kraken. He stuck his snout in my face and began to lick me. I didn’t hesitate. I shoved the feather down his throat. I jumped up and pushed the feather deep into his innards.
The canine heaved. A large lump appeared in his neck and then with a large burp his jaws parted. Vomit geysered out and hit me directly in the face. A small, white goose followed, smacking into my midsection and landing on the ground awkwardly.
Dazed, it hopped up on its feet and blinked.
I held the feather at the ready, but then I noticed the demons’ laughter had subsided. Now there was less than ten minutes to rendezvous with the RavenHawk. I grabbed the goose and shoved him inside my sack.
I raced to the edge of Black Rock and dove into the Undead Sea. Mission accomplished! (Sort of. Could you tell the difference between a coyote and a jackal, you dead dummy?)
Acknowledgments
First and foremost, my thanks to Louis Schroeder, who employed his ninja skills to help make this book a reality. Ed Watson’s incredible artwork turned this little project into a big project. I can’t thank him enough for the huge amount of effort he put into this. Eve Conte Seligman edited this book not once, but twice, and saved me quite a lot of embarrassment. My thanks to her as well as Dave Seligman, who contributed his InDesign expertise and answered all of my annoying questions. My thanks to Tim Marquitz, who helped me to bring emotion to the story. John Harlacher has done so much to bring this project to life and to a wider audience that I’ll always be in his debt.
There were many folks who helped out with the Kickstarter campaign, offering their work or advice. My thanks in particular to DeAnna Knippling, Doug Draa, John Betancourt, Steven Gladin, Alex Shvartsman, and Margot Atwell.
My wife, Jennifer, has always been my first reader and biggest supporter. Thank you, sweetie!
And of course a big thank-you to all the Kickstarter backers. Without them, this book wouldn’t have been half as cool. Turn the page for a list of all these awesome people.
Dead Jack Kickstarter Backers
Mary D’Ambrosio
Sara and Louis Schroeder
Angela Schroeder
Nancy, Nick, and Ryan Nicotera
Roger Beckett
DeAnna Knippling
Eric Allen
Beth Cato
Juliana Rew
John Rap (Creator of Electromagnate)
David Quist
David O’Hanlon
Kyle Erha
Christopher “Ju Ju” Merrill
Mel Torrella
J.W. Craft II
Emily Sunnucks
Michelle Muhs
Philip Gunsaules
A.J. Reta
Jackson Coates
Garry Kraft
Rob Steinberger
Mike Evans
Eric “Tuckmeister” Tucker
Trent “Goregasm23” Tomlinson
Jorge Urdiain
Stacey L. Hallock
Mike “Shack” Shackelford
Nikolai Go Tenazas
Thomas Saboy
David Cason
KMC
Taz
Monty Mantione
John Ayers, Abdicated King of Sensible Castle of Ireland AKA Episkopos Dilligaf I; Hail Eris!
Joe Stech
Tyler Taute
Darren A Atkinson
Nathaniel O’Coin
Beardeadbully
Archigan
Zivan Denney
Mark R. Lesniewski
Xavier Lambercy
Jay Spence
Joe Pate
Katrina Plonczynski
Brook
Flint & Steel
Jeff C
John M. Creagar
Dave Ambrose
Lark Cunningham
Kris Mellinger
Sam Norman
Anders M. Ytterdahl
Nicholas Crawford
Nick Sharps
veandr
thatraja
Mike Rider
Marc Margelli
John MacLeod
Dave Luxton
Oliver Weber
Justin Noppé
Kaos Kreegan
João Pedro Lemos Petter
Oliver Longchamps
Pippa Bailey
Caro Wick
Jens Schumacher
“The Magnificent” Joel Villis
Faye Hartley
Tom Hoefle
Charles Fridge
Josh Evans
Jack Hickey
Rory V. Block
Ben Berger
Martin Paytok
Jim Giering
Ethan Michel
Joe Pulver’s Mustache
The Hand of Nyarlathotep
Michael Fowler
Melissa Bryan
Lydia Miranda Medina
Andrew N Ferguson
Arran Dickson
Erich Buchrieser
Xavier Riesco
Kathleen Fincham
Ian Washburn
Tyler Evans
Kimberly Cowan
Derek Abbott
Fizaye
Alexander Gudenau
Nathaniel Trusting
Ed Dexter
Luke Spook
Mandy Lawyer
James Cleaveley
Lady Rissa Moore
Tony and
Theresa Grey
Beth McCloy
David “subQuark” Miller
Cole Kidd
Jim & Paula Kirk
Matthew Agle
Stop Short
Trevor Wayne Phillips
Jay Brigman
Kathy Maloy
Will Q
Jose Gonzalez
Tim Migliore
Eric Sowder
Kai Fraass
Garrett Calcaterra
Randy P. Belanger
Sandra Diaz
Stephanie Wagner
Christopher Michael Bones
David Ross
Roberto Carlos Carrillo Torres
Thomas Ling
Trystan Vel
Bruce Deniston
Kevin Purtell
John Bowen
Stefan M. Moser
Teri Keas
Stephen Duke Lord
Michael Scholz
Caitlin Jane Hughes
James Thunberg
eric priehs
Jessie Gary
Tony Muzi
Peter Kelly
Russell Roberto
jamie cutler
James P. Barbaro
Formium Gotten
Jillyjally
Lizz Lektrik
Sheldon Smith
Sarah Gaulden
Dean b lynch
Dan A Nelson
Callum E. Moore
Richard Bartisek
Jeff Weber
Kenneth Lee Holliday, Jr.
Keelee von Cupcake
Laura Rushing
Jason T Blackstone
Jess White
Zachariah M. Long
William Groat
Scott P Berger
Victor C. Pelletier, Jr.
Amanda Evans Mahony
Steven Jasiczek
Andrew M Poirier
Pamela St Joseph
Andy Beer
Bryan Geddes
Robert Lee Geddes
Dimosthenis Mplatsis
John Wharton
JGoodwin
Ghastly Games
Ioannis Cleary
Pedro Alfaro
Dark Bisounours
Brent Glenn
JubJub Newman
Victoria Griffiths
Kieran Smith
Matej Pupacic
The Warped One
SwordFire
Constance Fletcher
Joe Bertucci
Clark Newton
Robert Young
Pontus Benom
Kirstie Summers
Brandon Salkil
Amanda Raymond
Stuart Hilsmier
Luis A Pritchett
Jeff Mires
Jo B. Hayve
Luke Steele
Andrew and Kate Barton
Chris Fritz
Joyce Torme
Matthew Avritt
Sandy Thorn
Mobtek
Alexander Lepera
Blake Standard
Michael Valenzuela
Krystin Eaton and Zane
Winkelman
Snicker Furfoot
Kristoffer B Hansson
Michael Burton
Amanda Pack
Ynara Camargo
Ahmet N. Sati
Piranhatron3000
David Perlmutter
Carrick Maile
Richard Nettleton
Ted Nichols
Chris Moo Mutz
Michael Assante
Elethia Rex
Tabitha Wilson
Krikkit[ONE]
About the Author
James Aquilone was raised on Saturday morning cartoons, comic books, sitcoms, and Cap’n Crunch. Amid the Cold War, he dreamed of being a jet fighter pilot but decided against the military life after realizing it would require him to wake up early. He had further illusions of being a stand-up comedian, until a traumatic experience on stage forced him to seek a college education. Brief stints as an alternative rock singer/guitarist and child model also proved unsuccessful. Today he battles a severe chess addiction while trying to write in the speculative fiction game.
His short fiction has been published in such places as Nature’s Futures, The Best of Galaxy’s Edge 2013-2014, Unidentified Funny Objects 4, and Weird Tales magazine. Suffice it to say, things are going much better than his modeling career.
James lives in Staten Island, New York, with his wonderful wife, Jennifer.
Table of Contents
Waiting for My Wee-Man
The Green and the Furious
Ship of Fools
Kraken Bait
Down and Out in the Broken Lands
The Best-Laid Plan
And Into the Fire
Like a Bat Out of Hell
I Found My Thrill on Corpse Hill
They Built This City on Rock and Bones
Dinner for Demons (and Assorted Other Monsters)
A Room Without a View
Beneath the Palace of the Arseholes
A Zombie by Any Other Name
Return of the White Blob
A Stroll Down Mnemosyne Lane
A God Reborn
Flying the Fiendish Skies
Monster Island Mash
Interdimensional Baby Got Back
The Pandemonium Device Is Fully Operational
Fear and Loathing in ShadowShade
The Case of the Amorous Ogre
Bonus Material: Incident on Black Rock
Acknowledgments
About the Author