His despair drained away as Geary stared back at her. Something that had been at least partly hidden now lay in the open between them. “Anything?”
“I didn’t—” She swallowed and spoke with obviously forced calm. “I’m without honor now. I know that.”
“Stop it, Tanya. You’ve got honor to spare.”
“An honorable woman would not feel this way about her commanding officer! She wouldn’t speak of it. She would not be willing to—” Desjani bit off her words and stared frantically at Geary again.
He could reach out and have her. Right this very moment. Geary looked down at his hands, thinking of the price so many others had already paid. He’d been willing to use Victoria Rione when she’d offered herself to him, just as Rione had used him. But he couldn’t do that to Tanya Desjani. Even though Desjani and almost everyone else would excuse him for it, justifying to themselves whatever was done by the hero sent from the past. But he couldn’t do that to her. The very thought of it revolted him. That, more than anything, told him that his feelings for her were real, that he wasn’t just reaching out again for any safe port when the storms of his responsibilities grew too rough. “I won’t take your honor,” he whispered.
“You already have it,” Desjani replied in agonized tones.
“No. I’ll take nothing from you that you don’t freely choose to give.”
“It’s given. I swear I didn’t seek that, I swear I tried to fight it, but it has happened.”
Geary looked up again and saw her despair. “Either we’ll live to reach Alliance space, or we’ll die on the way. If we live …”
Desjani nodded. “I can resign my commission. It won’t be enough to return my honor or erase the burden I’ve put on your own, but—”
“Resign your commission? Tanya, you live to be a fleet officer! You love it! I can’t allow you to give that up on my account!”
“An officer who cannot carry out her duties according to regulations is required to—” Desjani began, her face now stiff.
“I’ll resign,” Geary broke in. “As soon as we get home. I never wanted this responsibility, and once I get this fleet home, no one can demand more of me. Once I’m no longer a fleet officer, your honor can’t be questioned, and—”
“No!” Desjani now appeared horrified as she gazed at him. “You can’t! You have a mission!”
“I never asked or wanted—”
“It was given to you! Because the living stars knew you could do it!” Desjani backed away, shaking her head. “I can’t allow my feelings to influence you this way. Too many people are depending upon you. If I caused you to shirk that mission, I would surely be damned by them and deserving of it. Say you won’t do that. Say you didn’t mean it.” He looked back at her silently. “Say it! If you do not, I swear I shall get this ship home to Alliance space, then go as far from you as human space allows!” Geary struggled for words, and Desjani took another step backward. “If the temptation I offer you has to be removed from this ship now, I’ll do that. I’ll do whatever I must.”
He finally found his voice again. “No. Please. You’re Dauntless’s commanding officer. You belong on her. I … I promise you I won’t resign until this war is over.” The words felt acidic in his mouth, the thing he had never wanted to accept even though he knew so many expected it of him.
“Your promise should not be to me,” Desjani replied, her face and voice calmer now.
“It is,” he insisted. “I’ve avoided making it because it scared the hell out of me. But the thought of not seeing you scared me more. Congratulations.”
“I … I didn’t—”
“No, you didn’t. You never would have tried to manipulate me on purpose.” Unlike Victoria Rione, he realized. “I made the choice. I’ll carry out the mission. As long as you don’t resign your commission. I need you with me if I’m going to have any chance of succeeding. And when my mission is done, and I’m no longer in command of this fleet, I’ll finally say the words that I wish I could say to you now.”
Desjani nodded to him. “Thank you, Captain Geary. I knew you’d do what you had to do.”
“As opposed to what I want to do right now.” Amazingly, she laughed. “If you and I did what we wanted to do at this very moment, we’d be different people. But hard as it is, I must stand here instead of stepping closer to you. Much closer. No. You have my honor, I have your promise. If the gift of my honor gives you the strength to do what you must, it’s a small price for me to pay.”
“You think of it as a price, then?” Geary asked.
Desjani nodded as her laughter faded. “My honor is the thing of greatest value that I possess. That I used to possess. I know you will not use it against me, and I know it is safe in your hands. But there have been times when it felt like my honor was all I had left. I regret losing it.”
“Then I promise you that I will keep your honor safe until I can return it.”
“But … it was given. To my shame … but it was given.” Geary shook his head. “I want to return your honor, and you want me to keep it. There’s a way to do both if that’s what you want.”
“How could I have both—?” She seemed shocked, looking away for a moment before focusing back on him. “You mean that?”
“I can’t come out and say how I feel, just like you can’t, not until this war is over and I’m no longer your commanding officer, but I swear on the honor of my ancestors that I meant it.”
Desjani blinked, swallowed again, then gave Geary a stern look. “You must know something, Captain John Geary. Right now you are my fleet commander, and I do as you say and defer to you. You are on a divine mission, and while that lasts, I will follow you to hell itself on your command. But when all is done and the war is over, a man would come to me with my honor and himself. Not like any other man, not even then, but a man, and I will not be subordinate to any man in my own life or my own home. I will only have a man as a partner, an equal, to be beside me in all things. Any man must agree to that if he someday wishes to share a life with Tanya Desjani.”
Geary nodded. “Any man who really knew Tanya Desjani would gladly commit to those conditions and promise to honor them.”
She gazed back at him, then smiled. “It is very hard, and I fear that it’ll be harder still before all is done. But when the day comes that your mission is fulfilled, I will accept my honor back and all that comes with it.”
All he had to do was get the fleet the rest of the way home and win the war that had been raging for a century. But he’d never thought he could get this far, do what he’d been able to do. If he could somehow end the war, end the deaths …And, for the first time since he’d been awakened from survival sleep, he knew without any doubt that he had something other than duty to live for. They’d talked around it, they might never again discuss it even indirectly while the war lasted, but they each knew how the other felt and what they’d promised each other. “In that case, Captain Desjani, let’s take a look at the star display and figure out our next move on the way home. We’ve got a fleet to save and a war to end.”
APPENDIX
The Alliance Fleet
CAPTAIN JOHN GEARY,
Commanding (acting)
As reorganized following the losses suffered immediately prior to Captain Geary assuming command in the Syndic home system.
Ship names in bold are those lost in action, with the name of star system of their loss given afterward.
SECOND BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Gallant
Indomitable
Glorious
Magnificent
THIRD BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Paladin
Orion
Conqueror
FOURTH BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Warrior
Triumph (lost at Vidha)
Vengeance
Revenge
FIFTH BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Fearless
Resolution
Redoubtable
Warspite
SEVENTH BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Indefatigable (lost at Lakota)
Audacious (lost at Lakota)
Defiant (lost at Lakota)
EIGHTH BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Relentless
Reprisal
Superb
Splendid
TENTH BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Colossus
Amazon
Spartan
Guardian
FIRST SCOUT BATTLESHIP DIVISION
Arrogant (lost at Kaliban)
Exemplar
Braveheart
FIRST BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Courageous
Formidable
Intrepid
Renown (lost at Lakota)
SECOND BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Leviathan
Dragon
Steadfast
Valiant
FOURTH BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Dauntless (flagship)
Daring
Terrible (lost at Ilion)
Victorious
FIFTH BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Invincible (lost at Ilion)
Repulse (lost in Syndic home system)
Furious
Implacable
SIXTH BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Polaris (lost at Vidha)
Vanguard (lost at Vidha)
Illustrious
Incredible
SEVENTH BATTLE CRUISER DIVISION
Opportune
Brilliant
Inspire
THIRD FAST FLEET AUXILIARIES DIVISION
Titan
Witch
Jinn
Goblin
Thirty-seven surviving heavy cruisers in seven divisions
First Heavy Cruiser Division
Third Heavy Cruiser Division
Fourth Heavy Cruiser Division
Fifth Heavy Cruiser Division
Seventh Heavy Cruiser Division
Eighth Heavy Cruiser Division
Tenth Heavy Cruiser Division
minus
Invidious (lost at Kaliban)
Cuirass (lost at Sutrah)
Crest, War-Coat, Ram , and Citadel (lost at Vidha)
Basinet and Sallet (lost at Lakota)
Sixty-two surviving light cruisers in ten squadrons
First Light Cruiser Squadron
Second Light Cruiser Squadron
Third Light Cruiser Squadron
Fifth Light Cruiser Squadron
Sixth Light Cruiser Squadron
Eighth Light Cruiser Squadron
Ninth Light Cruiser Squadron
Tenth Light Cruiser Squadron
Eleventh Light Cruiser Squadron
Fourteenth Light Cruiser Squadron
minus
Swift (lost at Kaliban)
Pommel, Sling, Bolo , and Staff (lost at Vidha)
Spur, Damascene, and Swept-Guard (lost at Lakota)
One hundred eighty-three surviving destroyers in twenty squadrons
First Destroyer Squadron
Second Destroyer Squadron
Third Destroyer Squadron
Fourth Destroyer Squadron
Sixth Destroyer Squadron
Seventh Destroyer Squadron
Ninth Destroyer Squadron
Tenth Destroyer Squadron
Twelfth Destroyer Squadron
Fourteenth Destroyer Squadron
Sixteenth Destroyer Squadron
Seventeenth Destroyer Squadron
Twentieth Destroyer Squadron
Twenty-first Destroyer Squadron
Twenty-third Destroyer Squadron
Twenty-fifth Destroyer Squadron
Twenty-seventh Destroyer Squadron
Twenty-eighth Destroyer Squadron
Thirtieth Destroyer Squadron
Thirty-second Destroyer Squadron
minus
Dagger and Venom (lost at Kaliban)
Anelace, Baselard , and Mace (lost at Sutrah)
Celt, Akhu, Sickle, Leaf, Bolt, Sabot, Flint, Needle, Dart, Sting, Limpet , and Cudgel (lost at Vidha)
Falcata (lost at Ilion)
War-Hammer, Prasa, Talwar , and Xiphos (lost at Lakota)
SECOND FLEET MARINE FORCE
Colonel Carabali commanding (acting)
1,560 Marines divided into detachments on battle cruisers and battleships.
FB2 document info
Document ID: 4ee08359-7bc6-4adc-b476-6b4bebffe938
Document version: 1
Document creation date: 29 September 2013
Created using: calibre 0.9.13, FictionBook Editor Release 2.6.6 software
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