Most of all I will miss railway stations in the morning, the first rays of the sun creating faint shadows, or, in the gray north, no shadows at all; the vast domed palaces with numbered tracks, the old iron horses snorting steam; the food kiosks, red wine from a barrel, baguettes and cheeses; porters, vendors, women and children, baggage carts, loudspeakers; all, all under an eerie green light giving the feeling that last night’s dream had begun again; the tears, the smiles, the elderly too early for their train; a child’s abandoned teddy bear on a bench.
I will not miss being a stranger from whom nothing is wanted and from whom nothing is expected.
The click and scrape of the windshield wipers brought me back. A snowstorm had come up; heavy white flakes were being driven against the headlights. We were on Elm Street. Before long I saw Andy’s attic, lit up, the glass eaves glowing yellow against the night. I felt like a gambler who finds in another pocket a few forgotten coins that will keep him in the game. Stop here, I said. I waited for a few moments. Then I felt something like resolve grow in me, a resolve against waiting. There will be risks. I paid the fare, crossed the street and began walking. The air felt good. I remembered that the air always changed with the first snowfall. I was cold in my thin spring dress and light coat, but for once I didn’t have far to walk.
HELEN WEINZWEIG IS the author of the novels Passing Ceremony and Basic Black with Pearls, winner of the Toronto Book Award. Her short story collection, A View from the Roof, was shortlisted for the Governor General’s Literary Award for Fiction. Helen Weinzweig died in Toronto in 2010.
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