cool and hard and instantly
comforting—the 10mm. Waiting…
Just then the front door slammed.
Dad!
Journal Entry, Oct 7
One of my worst nightmares
has come true. I’m pregnant.
I really don’t know what to do.
I can’t even call Ethan until
Monday. Ethan. God, I need
him so much.
It’s kind of weird, because
as scared as I am, a part of me
is really happy to have Ethan’s
baby growing inside me.
A little Ethan, tucked right there.
I need something beautiful inside,
because outside I’m so ugly right now.
Mom brought baby Sam home
today. Oops…Samuel. No need
to stir Dad’s pot. I’m just starting
to heal from the last time.
Anyway, Samuel’s all red and scrunched
up and not pretty at all.
Will my baby look like that?
I don’t think so.
My baby will be perfect because
he’s part Ethan, part me. He?
Where did that come from?
On Monday
I didn’t look so bad, so Dad
let me go to school,
with one heartfelt warning,
Family secrets stay
behind these doors.
Like I didn’t know that.
But I simply nodded
and kept my mouth shut.
Come straight home.
Your mother needs help.
Like I wouldn’t come
straight home. Like I didn’t
know she needed help.
I want the house picked
up. Groceries put away.
He’d bought them the day
before. The canned goods
still sat in bags on the floor.
Keep the youngsters
out of your mom’s hair.
Yadda. Yadda. She needed
her rest. Poor Mom. Having
a baby sure took it out of her.
You do remember how
to change a diaper, don’t you?
Every answer I came up
with would have gotten me
into trouble. So I just smiled.
By Lunch My Fingernails Were History
I got hold of Ethan on the first ring.
He asked me where I’d been since Thursday.
I tried to think where to begin….
He asked if everything was okay.
I told him no, choked on my words….
He said to tell him the whole thing, he had all day.
I started with the Kotex episode….
He kept completely quiet as I outlined my injuries.
I moved on to driving Mom to the hospital….
He didn’t say a word as I segued into the drive to the store.
I broke down into quiet tears….
He begged me not to cry, to finish my story.
I confessed that I was pregnant.
He promised it wasn’t the end of the world.
I whispered that I was scared.
He said not to worry, it would all be okay.
I might have believed him,
had I not glanced behind me right then.
Carmen and Tiffany
Had heard the whole thing, or at least
enough of it to know my predicament.
Oh God, the gleeful look on their faces.
Now they possessed a powerful weapon.
If you’ve never been on the wrong end
of gossip, spread by malicious girls,
you’d be surprised how fast they can
disseminate reputation-crushing information.
By the next day, practically everyone in school knew.
I could see it in their eyes, hear it in their laughter.
Even Jackie found out through the grapevine.
She came to me, asked if it was true.
What could I do but admit everything?
When she asked what I was going to do,
I still didn’t have an answer. But when
I called Ethan again, he had one.
Marry me, Pattyn. You know I love
you. I’ll love the baby, too.
And I’ll love and take care of both
of you until the day I die.
He Wanted Me to Tell
Mom and Dad, but when
I considered what happened
over a flushed Kotex, I couldn’t do it.
We can’t get married
without their permission.
“Then we’ll wait until I’m eighteen.
The baby won’t care. Please,
Ethan. Come and get me.”
I was asking him to kidnap me.
Pattyn, I don’t know…
“Ethan, if my dad finds out, he’s
liable to kill me. Or you. Let me
tell you a story….”
He listened to an ugly recitation
about my dad, his dad, and Aunt J.
“I didn’t want to tell you, but you
have to understand what kind
of man we’re dealing with.”
He promised to come pick me up
from school on Thursday.
“Why Thursday?” I wasn’t
sure it could wait another day.
“Why not tomorrow?”
I can’t bring you back to the dorm.
I have to find a place for us to stay.
That Night I Prayed
Harder than I’d ever
prayed before.
“Please, God, give us the chance
to be a family. The right kind of family.”
In answer, overnight, He delivered
an Arctic Event. A freezing cold
air mass moved in from the north,
bringing early snow to the mountains.
Down below we got sleet, which
froze overnight into oceans of black ice.
The temperature hovered just a bit over
twenty degrees. Winter, in October.
Meanwhile, word continued to spread.
When Trevor picked me up that day,
I knew he’d heard. He clamped his
hands on the steering wheel as his
old Chevy fishtailed on the ice.
“Careful, Trevor,” I urged.
You mean careful like you
weren’t? he jeered.
I Knew He Was Hurt
So I pretended ignorance.
But ignorance, real or imagined,
could not halt the ugly rumor mill.
It was déjà vu all over again.
Trevor told Becca and Emily.
Becca couldn’t wait to tell her mom.
Her mom went straight to
Sister Rhinoceros Crandall, who
shared the good news with her husband.
That evening my mom got
a call. I saw her face turn paper
white and knew it was all coming down.
But instead of telling Dad
right then, she called me into
her room. Tell me it isn’t true.
One day. I only had to
punt for one day. So I said,
“Tell you what isn’t true?”
She really didn’t want
that kind of trouble. Pattyn,
tell me you aren’t pregnant.
I mustered up a look
of sheer disbelief. “Why would
you even ask such a thing?”
She bought the whole
package. I had punted eighty
yards. But it wasn’t quite enough.
Somehow I Made It
Through the next day, and when
I saw Ethan’s Dodge turn
into the parking lot, I ran,
almost slipping on
the ice.
I flew through the door,
into his arms, and the warmth
of his kisses. As we drove
off, I noticed Trevor
standing there, watching.
What I didn’t see was him
taking down Ethan’s license
plate number.
Rather than waste time driving
to Reno to reach the interstate,
Ethan chose the more treacherous
route over the mountain, into California.
The highway had been plowed,
but not well, and even in four-wheel
drive, the tires spun a bit on the steeper
stretches of icy pavement.
Suddenly, Ethan said, Oh shit.
I turned to see red and blue lights
coming up quickly behind us.
“Don’t stop!” I commanded.
Instead, Ethan picked up speed,
a bad thing to do in those
conditions. My heart raced as
we went sideways around a curve.
Ethan corrected, the Dakota
skidded sideways. He turned
into the skid, but too hard.
Hold on! he shouted.
It Was the Last Thing
I ever heard him say.
I floated up into a cloud of white.
Were we in California?
“Ethan?” I heard myself ask.
Movement. She’s awake, someone said.
Pattyn? Can you hear me?
Did they think I was deaf?
“Where am I?”
Barton Memorial. You were in an accident.
Accident? The Dakota…“Where’s Ethan?”
Silence. Way too much silence.
Where were the faces that went with the voices?
There. I screamed at them. “Where is Ethan?”
I’m sorry, honey, said a nurse. He didn’t make it.
Didn’t make it? They couldn’t mean…
“No! He’s not dead! He can’t be dead! I won’t let him be dead!
Oh God, not dead!”
But He Was
And so was the baby.
Dead.
Even that precious
piece of Ethan.
Dead.
All because of Trevor.
Dead.
Trevor, who called
my mom.
Dead.
Mom, who called Dad.
Dead.
Dad, who called his buddy
the highway patrolman.
Dead.
Everything I loved.
Dead.
Everything I had to
live for.
Dead.
Why couldn’t I be
dead
too? It was the least
God could have done.
I Was in the Hospital
For over a week.
They said my head
had to heal.
I knew it never would,
not inside.
Mom and Dad
didn’t visit me once.
Dad had to work.
Mom had a new baby
to take care of.
Bishop Crandall
came by. He said with prayer
and perseverance,
God might one day
forgive me.
Might.
One day forgive me.
I didn’t want
His forgiveness.
I wanted Him to let me die.
But He wouldn’t
even do that. No, He
wanted to punish
me for loving Ethan.
Forever.
Aunt J was wrong.
God wasn’t love, couldn’t
be love.
Because for me,
love was a corpse.
When I Finally
Did come home, no
one was allowed to speak
disowned me.
He wanted me out.
But I had no place to go.
Aunt J’s was not
an option. I could never look
Kevin in the eye again.
I only hoped
he wouldn’t blame Aunt J
for the sins of her niece.
His only son’s death
was all my fault.
The two of them needed
each other more than ever,
needed their own forever
love to quell the pain
of such loss.
Jackie tried
to intercede on my behalf,
but Dad wouldn’t
listen, and Mom knew better
than to say a word.
Dad had a new
son. He didn’t need
just one more daughter,
especially not one
as obnoxious as I.
And so, with
nothing at all to lose,
and not much
to gain but revenge, I began
to form my plan.
See, as Far as I’m concerned
My life is over.
My one forever love has
been snatched away,
condemned by my own
father’s rules to die,
just because he loved me.
I am without a home,
without a single person to love.
And after having
discovered love, lived for a short
while surrounded by love,
that is too much to bear.
I am a pariah, at church,
at school. The few people
I once called friends have
betrayed me and caused
the death of my husband,
our innocent child.
And so they should die too.
All of them. Dad. Bishop
Crandall. Trevor, Becca, Emily.
With the pull of a 10mm hair
trigger, their lives will end
at sacrament meeting.
Such lovely irony!
And when I finish there,
I’ll hide in the desert,
reload, and go in search
of Carmen and Tiffany,
who started the rumors.
And Derek, just because.
Plans Made
I am sitting on the hard cement
railing of a freeway overpass.
Legs dangling,
I watch the unrelenting motion
of normal people in daily transit.
Mind-boggling,
how so many separate lives travel
in such remarkable unison.
Soul searching,
I know that I will never squeeze
into such a common mold.
Brain racing,
I struggle to reach a decision.
God, whoever He is, only knows which way I’ll go.
Heart breaking,
I think that if Dad, staring down the sight of a 10mm,
would only tell me he loves me,
I could easily change my mind…
…but he won’t.
Author’s Note
This book is fiction, but much in it is true—in particular, the stories about nuclear issues in Nevada. Those “downwinders” still alive—and their children—suffer health problems directly related to the aboveground nuclear testing that took place at the Nevada Test Site in the middle part of the twentieth century. People really were encouraged to have “blast parties,” or otherwise to sit out side to watch the mushroom clouds. The radiation badges they wore were later collected to gather data about radiation levels. I didn’t want this information to die along with the remaining downwinders.
Parts of Nevada are desert. It is also the most mountainous state in the country, and there are beautiful rivers, lakes, and forests. It is much more than “sand and sagebrush”—not a wasteland at all. Pattyn, the protagonist
in this book, comes to love rural Nevada, where the spirit of the Old West lives on in its people. It is my hope that the portrait I paint of this rugged land will help you come to love it too.
About the Author
Ellen Hopkins has been writing poetry for years and has also published several nonfiction books. He r first novel, Crank, released in 2004 and quickly became a word-of-mouth sensation, garnering praise from teens and critics alike. Ellen’s other novels include Impulse and Glass, the sequel to Crank. She lives with her husband and son in Carson City, Nevada. Visit www.ellenhopkins.com and www.myspace.com/ellenhopkins.
A Reading Group Guide to Burned by Ellen Hopkins
ABOUT THE BOOK
Pattyn Scarlet Von Stratten, a Mormon teen, spends most of her time caring for her younger siblings and resenting her mother’s submissive role and her father’s abusive behavior. Like many teen girls, Pattyn has a sex dream about a boy; however, raised in a household with strict religious beliefs, Pattyn wonders if dreaming about sex is wrong and begins asking questions about sex, God, a woman’s role, and love. Afraid of her alcoholic and abusive father and detached from her overworked and depressed mother, Pattyn poses questions to Brother Prior but receives no satisfactory answers. Derek Colthorpe begins paying attention to Pattyn; though Pattyn knows what she feels is lust and not love, her need to be with him is intense. When Pattyn’s father catches her in a compromising position with Derek, a non-Mormon teen, tensions between Pattyn and her father escalate, and he sends her to spend the summer on a ranch with an aunt she does not know. Pattyn is expected to find salvation and redemption during her time in rural Nevada, but Aunt J, opposing the rigidity of her brother’s religion, teaches Pattyn about acceptance and love. Pattyn falls in love with Ethan, the son of Aunt J’s old friend, but knowing her mother and siblings need her help and are victims of her father’s abuse, she returns to her family at the end of summer, leaving Ethan behind. Pattyn stays in contact with Ethan via phone, but when events take a tragic turn, Pattyn learns, despite her time with her aunt, that she cannot escape her demons.