enough, it was safe really, a playpen, the fake girls went there
to not get hurt, to have regular boyfriends, to pretend they
were different or bad; but I was really lost so I had to be lost,
not pretend, in a dark as hard and unyielding as the cement
under it. In N ew Y ork I got o ff the bus dank from old Charles,
old Vincent, he walked away, wet, rumpled, not •looking
back, and I had some dollars in my hand, and I took the A train
to Greenwich Village, and I went to the Eighth Street
Bookstore, the center o f the universe, the place where real
poets went, the most incredible place on earth, they made
beauty from the dark, the gray, the cement, your head down
in someone’s lap, the torn skin on your bruised knees, your
bloody hands; it wasn’t the raspy, choked, rough whisper, it
was real beautiful words with the perfect shape and sound and
filled with pain and rage and pure, perfect; and I looked
everywhere, at every book, at every poem, at every play, and I
touched every book o f poems, I just touched them, just passed
my hand over them, and I bought any poems I had money for,
sometimes it was just a few pages stapled together with print
on it, and I kept them with me and I could barely breathe, and I
knew names no one else knew, Charles Olsen, Robert
Duncan, Gregory Corso, Anselm Hollo, Leroi Jones,
Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Kenneth Patchen, Robert Creeley,
Kenneth Rexroth; and when Allen Ginsberg had new poems I
almost died, Allen Ginsberg who was the most perfect and the
bravest and the best and the words were perfect beauty and
perfect power and perfect pain and I carried them with me and
read them, stunned and truly trembling inside because they
went past all lies to something hidden inside; and I got back on
the bus and I got back to Camden and I had the poems and
someday it would be me. I wrote words out on paper and hid
them because my mother would say they were dirty words; all
the true words were dirty words. I wrote private, secret words
in funny-shaped lines. Y ou could take the dark— the thick,
mean, hard, sad dark— the gray cement, lonely as death, cold
as death, stone cold, the torn skin, you on your knees your
hands bleeding on the cold cement, and you could use words
to say I am— I am, I want, I know , I feel, I see. N in o ’s knife,
cold, on the edge o f m y skin down m y back, the cement
underneath: I want, I know, I feel; then he tears you apart from
behind, inside. Y ou could use words to say what it was and
how it felt, the dark banging into you, pressing up against you,
pinning you down, a suffocating mask over your face or a
granite mountain pressing you under it, you’re a fossil, delicate,
ancient, buried alive and perfectly preserved, some bones
between the mountain and the level ground, pressed flat on the
cement under the dark, the great, still, thick, heavy dark. Y ou
could sing pain soft or you could holler; you could use the
voices o f the dead i f you had to, the other skeletons pressed in
the cement. Y ou could write the words on the cement blind in
the dark, pushed on your knees, a finger dipped in blood; or
pushed flat, the dark on you, the cement under you, N in o ’s
knife touching the edge o f your skin. The poems said: Andrea,
me too, I’m on m y knees, afraid and alone, and I sing; I’m
pushed flat, rammed, torn up, and I sing; I weep, I rage, I sing; I
hurt, I’m sad, I sing; I want, I’m lost, I sing. Y ou learned the
names o f things, the true names, short, abrupt, unkind, and
you learned to sing them, your heart soared from them, the
song o f them, the great, simple music o f them. The dark
stayed dark and hard but now it had a sound in it, a bittersweet
lyric, music carried on the edge o f a broken line. Then m y
m omma found the words I wrote and called me awful names,
foul names, in a screaming voice, in filthy hate, she screamed I
was dirty, she screamed she wanted me o ff the face o f the
earth, she screamed she’d lock me up. I left on the bus to N ew
Y ork . N o one’s locking me up. When the men said the names
they whispered and touched you; and flat on the cement, still
there were no locks, no walls. When the men said the names
they were all tangled in you and their skin was melting into
you the w ay night covers everything, they curved and curled.
There was the edge o f N in o’s knife on your skin, down your
back, with him in you and the cement under you, your skin
scraped away, burned o ff almost, the sweat on you turning as
cold as the edge o f his knife; try to breathe. She screamed
foul hate and spit obscene words and tore up all your things, all
your poems you had bought and the words you had written;
and she said she’d lock you up; no one locks me up. Men
whispered the same names she said and touched you all over,
they were on you, they covered you, they hid you, they were
the weight o f midnight on you, a hundred years o f midnight,
they held you down and kept you still and it was the only
stillness you had and you could hear a heartbeat; men
whispered names and touched you all over. Men wanted you
all the time and never had enough o f you and the cement was a
great, gray plain stretching out forever and you could wander
on it forever, free, with signs that they had been there and
promises they would come back, abrasions, burns, thin,
exquisite cuts; not locked up. Under them, covered, buried,
pinned still— the dark ramming into you— you could hear a
heartbeat. And somewhere there were ones who could sing.
Whisper; touch everywhere; sing.
T H R E E
In January 1965
(Age 18)
M y name is Andrea. It means manhood or courage, from the
ancient Greek. I found this in Paul Tillich, although I like
Martin Buber better because I believe in pure love, I-Thou,
love without boundaries or categories or conditions or
making someone less than you are; not treating people like
they are foreign or lower or things, I-It. Prejudice is I-It and
hate is I-It and treating people like dirt is I-It. In Europe only
boys are named Andrea, Andre, Andreus, but m y mother
didn’t know that and so I got named Andrea because she
thought it was pretty. Philosophy comes from Europe but
poetry comes from America too. I was born down the street
from Walt Whitman’s house, on M ickle Street in Cam den,
N ew Jersey, in 1946, after the bomb. I’m not sad but I wish
everyone didn’t have to die. Everyone will burn in a split
second, even less, they w o n ’t even know it but I bet it will hurt
forever; and then there will be nothing, forever. I can’t stand it
because it could be any second at all, just even this second now
or the next one, but I try not to think about it. I fought it for
a while, when I had hope and when I loved everyone, I-Thou,
not I-It, and I suffered to think they would die. When I was
fourteen I refused to face the wall during
a bomb drill. T hey
would ring a bell and we all had to file out o f class, in a line, and
stand four or five deep against a wall in the hall and you had to
put your hands behind your head and your elbows over your
ears and it hurt to keep your arms like that until they decided
the bomb wasn’t coming this time. I thought it was stupid so I
wouldn’t do it. I said I wanted to see it coming if it was going
to kill me. I really did want to see it. O f course no one would
see it coming, it was too fast, but I wanted to see something, I
wanted to know something, I wanted to know that this was it
and I was dying. It would just be a tiny flash o f a second, so
small you couldn’t even imagine it, but I wanted it whatever it
was like. I wanted my whole life to go through m y brain or to
feel m yself dying or whatever it was. I didn’t want to be facing
a wall pretending tomorrow was coming. I said it outraged
m y human dignity to have my elbows over m y ears and be
facing a wall and just waiting like an asshole when I was going
to die; but they didn’t think fourteen-year-olds had any
the minute before the bomb came. They punished me or
disciplined me or whatever it is they think they’re doing when
they threaten you all the time. The bomb was coming but I
had to stay after school. I was supposed to be frightened o f
staying after school instead o f the bomb or more than the
bomb. Adults are so awful. Their faces get all pulled and tight
and mean and they want to hit you but the law says they can’t
so they make you miserable for as long as they can and they
call your parents to say you are bad and they try to get your
parents to hit you because it’s legal and to punish you some
more. You ask them why you have to cover your ears with
your elbows and they tell you it is so your ear drums w on ’t get
hurt from the noise. They consult each other in whispers and
this is the answer they come up with. I said I thought m y ear
drums would probably burn with the rest o f me so I got
punished more. I kept waiting to see them wink or smile or
laugh or something even just among themselves even though
it w ouldn’t be nice to show they knew it was crap but they
acted serious like they meant it. They kept telling you that you
were supposed to respect them but you would have had to take
stupid pills. I kept thinking about what it meant that this was
m y life and I was going to die and I thought I could say asshole
i f I wanted and face whatever w ay I wanted and I didn’t
understand w hy I couldn’t take a walk in the fucking spring air
if I wanted but I knew i f I tried they would hurt me by making
me into a juvenile delinquent which was a trick they had if you
did things they didn’t like. I kept reading Buber and tried to
say I-Thou but they were I-It material no matter how hard I
tried. I thought maybe he had never encountered anything like
them where he lived. I kept writing papers for English on
Buber’s philosophy so I could keep in touch with I-Thou even
though I was surrounded by I-It. I tried to reason it out but I
couldn’t. I mean, they were going to die too and all they could
think o f was keeping you in line and stopping you from
whispering and making you stare at a wall. I kept thinking
they were ghosts already, just dead already. Sometimes I
thought that was the answer— adults were dead people in
bodies giving stupid orders. They thought I was fresh but it
was nothing like what I felt inside. Outside I was calm. Inside I
kept screaming in m y brain: are you alive, are you zombies,
the bomb is coming, assholes. Why do we have to stand in
line? W hy aren’t we allowed to talk? Can I kiss Paul S. now?
Before I die; fast; one time? In your last fucking minute on
earth can’t you do one fucking human thing like do something
or say something or believe something or show something or
cry or laugh or teach us how to fight the Goddamn Russians or
anything, anything, and not just make us stand here and be
quiet like assholes? I wanted to scream and in m y brain I
screamed, it was a real voice screaming like something so loud
it could make your head explode but I was too smart to scream
in real life so I asked quietly and intelligently w hy we couldn’t
talk and they said we might miss important instructions. I
mean: important instructions; do you grasp it? I didn’t scream
because I knew there might be a tom orrow but one day there
wouldn’t and I would be as big an asshole as the teachers not to
have screamed, a shithead hypocrite because I didn’t believe
tom orrow was coming, one day it wouldn’t come, but I
would die pretending like them, acting nice, not screaming. I
wanted to scream at them and make them tell me the truth—
would there be a tomorrow or not? When I was a child they
made us hide under our desks, crawl under them on our knees
and keep our heads down and cover our ears with our elbows
and keep our hands clasped behind our heads. I use to pray to
God not to have it hurt when the bomb came. They said it was
practice for when the Russians bombed us so we would live
said, although I wondered why the Russians hated us so much
and I was thinking there must be a Russian child like me,
scared to die. You can’t help being scared when you are so
little and all the adults say the same thing. Y ou have to believe
them. You had to stay there for a long time and be quiet and
your shoulders would hurt because you had to stay under your
desk which was tiny even compared to how little you were
and you didn’t know what the bomb was yet so you thought
they were telling the truth and the Russians wanted to hurt
you but if you stayed absolutely still and quiet on your knees
and covered your ears underneath your desk the Russians
couldn’t. I wondered if your skin just burned o ff but you
stayed on your knees, dead. Everyone had nightmares but the
adults didn’t care because it kept you obedient and that was
what they wanted; they liked keeping you scared and making
you hide all the time from the bomb under your desk. Adults
told terrible lies, not regular lies; ridiculous, stupid lies that
made you have to hate them. They would say anything to
make you do what they wanted and they would make you
afraid o f anything. N o one ever told so many lies before,
probably. When the Bay o f Pigs came, all the girls at school
talked together in the halls and in the lunchrooms and said the
same thing: we didn’t want to die virgins. N o one said anyone
else was lying because we thought we were all probably going
to die that day and there w asn’t any point in saying someone
wasn’t a virgin and you couldn’t know , really, because boys
talked dirty, and no one said they w eren’t because then you
would be low-l
ife, a dirty girl, and no one would talk to you
again and you would have to die alone and if the bomb didn’t
come you might as well be dead. Girls were on the verge o f
saying it but no one dared. O f course now the adults were
saying everything was fine and no bomb was com ing and
there was no danger; we didn’t have to stand in the halls, not
that day, the one day it was clear atomic death was right there,
in N ew Jersey. But we knew and everyone thought the same
thing and said the same thing and it was the only thought we
had to say how sad we were to die and everyone giggled and
was almost afraid to say it but everyone had been thinking the
same thing all night and wanted to say it in the morning before
we died. It was like a record we were making for ourselves, a
history o f us, how we had lived and been cheated because we
had to die virgins. We said to each other that it’s not fair we
have to die now, today; we didn’t get to do anything. We said
it to each other and everyone knew it was true and then when
we lived and the bomb didn’t come we never said anything
about it again but everyone hurried. We hurried like no one
had ever hurried in the history o f the world. O ur mothers
lived in dream time; no bomb; old age; do it the first time after
marriage, one man or yo u ’ll be cheap; time for them droned
on. B ay o f Pigs meant no more time. They don’t care about
w hy girls do things but we know things and we do things;
w e’re not just animals who don’t mind dying. The houses
where I lived were brick; the streets were cement, gray; and I
used to think about the three pigs and the bad w o lf blow ing
down their houses but not the brick one, how the brick one
was strong and didn’t fall down; and I would try to think i f the
brick ones would fall down when the bomb came. They
looked like blood already; blood-stained walls; blood against
the gray cement; and they were already broken; the bricks
were torn and crumbling as if they were soft clay and the
cement was broken and cracked; and I would watch the houses
and think maybe it was like with the three pigs and the big bad