UNCLE EDWARD
Celia has more relations than would seem possible. I am graduallygetting to know some them by sight and a few more by name, but I stillmake mistakes. The other day, for instance, she happened to say she wasgoing to a concert with Uncle Godfrey.
"Godfrey," I said, "Godfrey. No, don't tell me--I shall get it in amoment. Godfrey ... Yes, that's it; he's the architect. He lives atLiverpool, has five children, and sent us the asparagus-cooler as awedding present."
"No marks," said Celia.
"Then he's the unmarried one in Scotland who breeds terriers. I knew Ishould get it."
"As a matter of fact he lives in London and breeds oratorios."
"It's the same idea. That was the one I meant. The great point is that Iplaced him. Now give me another one." I leant forward eagerly.
"Well, I was just going to ask you--have you arranged anything aboutMonday?"
"Monday," I said, "Monday. No, don't tell me--I shall get it in amoment. Monday ... He's the one who---- Oh, you mean the day of theweek?"
"Who's a funny?" asked Celia of the teapot.
"Sorry; I really thought you meant another relation. What am I doing?I'm playing golf if I can find somebody to play with."
"Well, ask Edward."
I could place Edward at once. Edward, I need hardly say, is Celia'suncle; one of the ones I have not yet met. He married a very young auntof hers, not much older than Celia.
"It doesn't matter. Write and ask him to meet you at the golf club. I'msure he'd love to."
"Wouldn't he think it rather cool, this sudden attack from a perfectlyunknown nephew? I fancy the first step ought to come from uncle."
"But you're older than he is."
"True. It's rather a tricky point in etiquette. Well, I'll risk it."
This was the letter I sent to him:--
"MY DEAR UNCLE EDWARD,--Why haven't you written to me this term? I have spent the five shillings you gave me when I came back; it was awfully ripping of you to give it to me, but I have spent it now. Are you coming down to see me this term? If you aren't you might write to me; there is a post-office here where you can change postal orders.
"What I really meant to say was, can you play golf with me on Monday at Mudbury Hill? I am your new and favourite nephew, and it is quite time we met. Be at the club-house at 2.30, if you can. I don't quite know how we shall recognize each other, but the well-dressed man in the nut-brown suit will probably be me. My features are plain but good, except where I fell against the bath-taps yesterday. If you have fallen against anything which would give me a clue to your face you might let me know. Also you might let me know if you are a professor at golf; if you are, I will read some more books on the subject between now and Monday. Just at the moment my game is putrid.
"Your niece and my wife sends her love. Good-bye. I was top of my class in Latin last week. I must now stop, as it is my bath-night.
"I am, "Your loving "NEPHEW."
The next day I had a letter from my uncle:--
"MY DEAR NEPHEW,--I was so glad to get your nice little letter and to hear that you were working hard. Let me know when it is your bath-night again; these things always interest me. I shall be delighted to play golf with you on Monday. You will have no difficulty in recognizing me. I should describe myself roughly as something like Apollo and something like Little Tich, if you know what I mean. It depends how you come up to me. I am an excellent golfer and never take more than two putts in a bunker.
"Till 2.30 then. I enclose a postal-order for sixpence, to see you through the rest of the term.
I showed it to Celia.
"Perhaps you could describe him more minutely," I said. "I hatewandering about vaguely and asking everybody I see if he's my uncle. Itseems so odd."
"You're sure to meet all right," said Celia confidently. "He's--well,he's nice-looking and--and clean-shaven--and, oh, _you'll_ recognizehim."
At 2.30 on Monday I arrived at the club-house and waited for my uncle.Various people appeared, but none seemed in want of a nephew. When 2.45came there was still no available uncle. True, there was one unattachedman reading in a corner of the smoke-room, but he had a moustache--thesort of heavy moustache one associates with a major.
At three o'clock I became desperate. After all, Celia had not seenEdward for some time. Perhaps he had grown a moustache lately; perhapshe had grown one specially for to-day. At any rate there would be noharm in asking this major man if he was my uncle. Even if he wasn't hemight give me a game of golf.
"Excuse me," I said politely, "but are you by any chance my UncleEdward?"
"Your _what_?"
"I was almost certain you weren't, but I thought I'd just ask. I'msorry."
"Not at all. Naturally one wants to find one's uncle. Have you--er--losthim long?"
"Years," I said sadly. "Er--I wonder if you would care to adopt me--Imean, give me a game this afternoon. My man hasn't turned up."
"By all means. I'm not very great."
"Neither am I. Shall we start now? Good."
The Major drove. I am not going to describe the whole game; though mycleek shot at the fifth hole, from a hanging lie to within two feet ofthe---- However, I mustn't go into that now. But it surprised the Majora good deal. And when at the next hole I laid my brassie absolutelydead, he---- But I can tell you about that some other time. It issufficient to say now that, when we reached the seventeenth tee, I wasone up.
We both played the seventeenth well. He was a foot from the hole infour. I played my third from the edge of the green, and was ridiculouslyshort, giving myself a twenty-foot putt for the hole. Leaving my clubsI went forward with the putter, and by the absurdest luck pushed theball in.
"Good," said the Major. "Your game."
I went back for my clubs. When I turned round the Major was walkingcarelessly off to the next tee, leaving the flag lying on the green andmy ball still in the tin.
"Slacker," I said to myself, and walked up to the hole.
And then I had a terrible shock. I saw in the tin, not my ball, but amoustache!
"Am I going mad?" I said. "I could have sworn that I drove off with a'Colonel,' and yet I seem to have holed out with a Major's moustache!" Ipicked it up and hurried after him.
"Major," I said, "excuse me, you've dropped your moustache. It fell offat the critical stage of the match; the shock of losing was too much foryou; the strain of----"
He turned his clean-shaven face round and grinned at me.
"On second thoughts," he said, "I _am_ your long-lost uncle."